I have ADHD. That means I impulsively started this journal with every intention of turning it into a book one day. But I know myself too well. I will likely lose interest and abandon it like the other unrealized ideas in my Big Dream Graveyard. (They're in the basement with the glue sticks and cheese making kit.) Yet, I can't stop myself from trying. And this is a painful reminder of how much I struggle to follow through with anything.
I have ADHD. That’s why. And at 51 years old, I've only just discovered it. Let that sink in for a moment. I've been grappling with this sh*t for over half a century. Everyone who loves me has been dealing with it as well. If only I had discovered this sooner, I could have sought help and made different choices. Perhaps then, I could have been a better mom, wife, friend, and all-around individual. Perhaps then I wouldn't hate myself so much. Perhaps then, I would always know where my cell phone is. (Seriously, I don't know where it is right now.)
But here we are. Where do I begin? Everywhere, that’s where. And if you have ADHD, you know exactly what I mean.
The Instant Download
One day, I stumbled upon a YouTube short created by a couple who call themselves ADHD_Love. The wife has ADHD, but the husband does not. In this video, the couple acts out 10 scenarios that demonstrate common situations that couples (one neurotypical and one with ADHD) find themselves in.
In one scene, they're trying to leave the house. The wife is frantically searching for her phone while he patiently points out that it's already in her hand. In another scene, forgotten wet laundry sits in the machine once again. And yet another captures the frustration she feels when being interrupted during a "hyperfocus" session. And so on.
It was a lightning bolt. She was me. He was my husband. Suddenly, everything made sense. I have ADHD. This one video explained it all.
If you're neurotypical, you might think that a YouTube video isn't grounds for diagnosis. And technically, you'd be right. But in the ADHD world, this video was just that—a diagnosis and an explanation of why I am the way I am. Poof! 50 years of my life, explained in less than 2 minutes. And now I would have to wait for everyone to get there too.
Waiting for others to catch up with my brain is my Kryptonite.
In the meantime, I'm consume every bit of content on ADHD I can muster—podcasts, books, articles—and confide in a select few family members and friends I trust (which is about 1.5 people), and I am texting all these discoveries to my husband in my typical you-must-drink-from-the-same-fire-hose-as-me fashion. (I am sure the man is relieved and internally shouting FREEDOM! like he's Mel Gibson on a battlefield.)
The journey to an official diagnosis, though, is going to seem agonizingly slow, but it is the barrier to getting treatment.
What I want to do is walk into CVS in tears and ask for Ritalin. When they ask for my prescription, I'm just gonna hit play on that YouTube short. The pharmacist will smile softly, nod, and say, “Ah, I see. Just a second.” He will return with a goodie back filled with stimulants, noise cancelling headphones, and a fidget spinner. I will throw in some Swedish Fish and promptly go home and conquer the world. And find my phone.
But that isn't going to happen.
I don't want to call my primary care doctor, because I am too ashamed. I have been neglecting my health and woefully late on getting blood work, and I keep forgetting to take my cholesterol meds. And I will want to throttle him if he doesn't jump on board with my self diagnosis after watching ADHD_Love's YouTube short.
So I schedule three (and miss two) appointments with a psychiatrist. I showed up for the first appointment at the right time, but wrong day. The second I missed entirely. The third is looking good. (The trick is making back up appointments. Doesn't everyone do that?)
Deep breath. Count to ten. Search for my missing cell phone. Get a snack. Cry. Shop for reading glasses.
So, while I wait impatiently for help, I oscillate between anger and cautious excitement. On the one had, this infuriates me. I was raising my hand for help for decades. I tried everything in the book, and no one saw it. No one. And if they did, they didn't tell me (and they better not now if they know what is good for them).
On the other hand, I have a source of newfound understanding and hope.
So, however many posts I manage to write, you can come with me on this journey. In fact, I could really use a body double. I hear it helps ADHD people complete laundry and other tasks. Maybe it will help me write my story, and maybe when I do, it will help someone else.
After all, I've been praying to find my purpose, so I better be ready to accept the mission. This might be it.
And maybe, I will find my cell phone.
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